I opened my eyes this morning still asleep laying bed,but it wasn't me who opened my eyes but who I was and am. I saw people, different types of them each varying from gender to looks to strength. But what kept me looking was I could see my self fighting them and I became happy and excited. I saw myself winning and landing punches each punch confirming my as well as their existence while each blow they landed on me confirmed theirs as well as mine. I saw my self facing against even matched opponents who got me excited. I saw myself fighting opponents who I had no chance of winning and would leave me a wounded broken body and smiled, I saw an opponent who if I went against in one swift move cut my neck and kill me but my every part of my soul had me walk to him and the thought had my arm twitching my hand ready to reach strike and grab, happy for the first time as i continued to see these people. My feet started as a dog wags its tail, moving as they continued. I saw options drawing and architecture didn't interest me, sexy hot drop dead gorgeous women alright but I'm not going to partner or get married so they don't do anything. Don't get me wrong hot sexy women= turn on, but hot sexy women who can fight= Turn On. sex sure but fighting is so much more. Then it comes all the things i'd forsake to get this life then again I'll lose them. I remember old talks i had when i was like this

"your a sword, nothing more than a weapon to do it's masters bidding"

"monsters like us need some sort of cage"

"your nothing but a monkey with a wrench, you have the potential but you can't get, your just a retard like the rest of us"

"simpletons lead simple lives"

"there are 2 types of people, the ones who look for the sunlight after the rain or the ones who when in the dark turn to the big bright light, then there is the ones who dive into the dark to find the light at the end of it. were neither were the people who when we go the light we get burned by it"

"all your ideals and rules and laws and morals exist in a fight, your personal views if you simplify them is the same as in a pure fight"

"when you lose it's your weakness when you come back after you lose it's your strength"

As I think on these, still seeing visions of myself on the streets in fights for no reason other than the enjoyment. No underground dangerous strings attached fights, no always in danger street fight, no professional all macho bullshit fights, no faked mix martial art fights. just pure fights for those who love it I can see them all smiling while fighting. school will never get me this and if not do i need it can i drop everything and go there?

I mean school-never interested me, never was my thing
people-either hurt you or they move on
jobs-supposed to be something fun aren't they?
society-almost every living thing disgust me
goals-to be happy?

it crosses my mind when was i the last time I saw myself happy? I cant remember the last time I smiled or laughed without it being some sort of lie. I think about how many times i ever meant it when I said I'm fine or good or im doing great. maybe this is where i should go. As these the visions continue my roommates alarm clock wakes me and brings a feeling of dread for today, if this is how a really feel then why am i doing this I wonder

a lot I know, its been awhile I know, but till next time.

comme ci comme ca